The great epochs of our life are the occasions when we gain the courage to rebaptize our evil qualities as our best qualities. - Nietzsche

 

My Moment of Enlightenment

I thought that I had resolve most of my inner conflict vis-a-vis my CDing and my sense of self. I thought I'd reached a sense of inner peace, until recently. I used to feel that the part of me that liked dressing up was something bad. I got over that and realized that the different feelings I've had were all a part of me. The masculine and feminine parts of me were integrated into one homogeneous Self, a heterosexual male crossdresser. The only problem (like I have only one) is that I feel that I have been living a lie for a long time now.

This revelation was brought on by a few innocuous and well-intentioned posts on the Alt.Fashion.Crossdressing and Alt.Support.Crossdressing newsgroups. It culminated in a somewhat manic post on Monday - Dec 8, 1997.

I got a lot of support from everyone and it helped a lot. Many of the regulars expressed concern for my seemingly unstable mental state. I was nice to have the support of so many other individuals, I never really had that before. Thanks.

I posted a followed up the next day. As I look back on my life, I find that I've worked hard at proving that no matter what, I was 'one of the guys', while feeling all along more like 'one of the girls'. I seem to have been intent on proving that no matter what, I was a man. The question is, to whom was I proving it. I realize now that I have been hell bent on proving it to myself.

That I was delivered into this world pre-packaged in a male body has done nothing for my state of mental well being. If anything, I feel that it has only contributed to my problems. While most crossdressers have fantasized about being a woman, I can recall times when I wished for nothing more than to wake up one morning and find that I had become a woman as I have always wanted. I can also recall wanting this so badly, and waking up, devistated, only to find that I was still the same as I've always been.

Unless you have experienced these feelings, I'm sure that this is a bit hard to grasp. The fact is I've been feeling them for a long time, only I haven't wanted to accept them for what they are: an undeniable part of me. If this sounds like the "I'm a woman trapped inside a man's body" bit, well, it is. It is the closest analogy I think there is. I also think that the stereotype is a bit too rigid. I feel more like a woman than man. I relate better to women than men. I feel the match between the physiological and psychological aspects of myself would be closer if I were living as a woman. I feel that overall, I would be happier as a woman. But, clearly I am not a woman. I am both something more and something less. More, in that I have a lifetime of experience (more or less) as a man, it's how I was raised (despite the way I'm turning out), and less for all the same reasons.

So, how do I describe myself now? In an attempt to avoid the common labels used, let's try this:

A physiological male with a female gender.

(Well, it's a start. Isn't it?)

What the does that mean? I means that Donna has to figure out just where and how the hell she fits in to the grand scheme of things all over again (and I thought it was tough the last time!)

What does not kill me makes me stronger. I hope to hell Nietzsche was right...


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