Well, I hope you're happy. Now I should be going to bed and we are both losing sleep. Just a bit of a joke - though true.
Contributing to this is the fact that I haven't really dressed in three years eight months, give or take a few days. Somehow, I don't thing putting on a dress and heals and running around for a while is going to help. My distress goes much deeper. I've said that my CDing is more a state of mind for me; I now think that I better understand what I've mean by this (hell, if I don't understand what I mean, who else will?) Dressing makes me feel better, but no matter what I am or am not wearing, my mental disposition remains, for the most part, unchanged. Some of us dress because it's fun, and that's good. Some of us dress because of a need for self-expression, and that's also fine. There are those of us who dress because they want to live as women; it goes beyond self-expression. They like being men, buy want to live as women. Then there are those of us, sliding further down the end of the scale, who want to be women (I can't believe I just said this.)
Better you than me girl. You've got it bad and it is headed for worse, from the sound of it. Let's see if we can sort it out just a little before it blows.
OK, here is what I got from your message. (There was a lot more but I am just setting up the math here)
Laura went on to suggest very strongly that you not do anything rash. Danny weighed in with waiting also and referred to your one and a half children. The timing certainly sucks. Yeah, the holidays bring their own strain and make this all the worse but your wife is facing the problems of one child here and one still inside. Her hormones are at a high rate of change if what I have always heard about pregnancy can be believed and soon she will have a newborn to care for. She too has holidays coming and I guess I am having trouble seeing her handle this to go along with everything else.
Let's get back to you. Tonya laid some good information on you. What you are dreaming of (you would say considering) is a long, expensive and uncertain road. It is a one way road even if you don't get where you think you are going. If you read her post carefully, you will see that she too is suggesting that you not do anything drastic or rash. LeAndra sent you looking for help which is probably available and it would delay you while you sorted things out. With luck, it could give you time and even a means to let off some of your steam. That is very important. Making decisions, crossing or burning bridges or even making declarations while you are so obviously fired up is an extremely bad idea. You will have to live with the results after the fires are back at a normal level.
Toughing it out is not the answer. That is how you got where you are now. You are past that. It would be like taking a well shaken can of beer and continuing to shake it even more. You need to stop shaking the can and start peeling the top off ever so slowly. You know the drill. Pop that thing and there's going to be suds everywhere.
You say you have the mind of a woman. Fine! We all have some of that or we wouldn't be doing what we do. What possible difference can your equipment make unless you want to make a space for other activities. That was not something you mentioned. You simply said that living as a woman was not enough. You wanted to BE a woman. I'm sorry, I get the idea that this is a heat induced drive toward an ideal idea you have. I have been there myself in a much different way though it still had some of the same factors - the heat of the moment.
My "heat" induced me to launch myself into a situation that I knew better than to get into. I was dressed to the nines and should have remained in my car but I was in heat and just had to JUMP out of the car, lock the door and then I was trapped into walking across the whole parking lot to get the other key. If there had been someone there to say, "Wait a second, do you see all those people?", that just might have slowed me enough to let the moment pass. I knew it would pass anyway or why else did I jump from the car and lock the door before I could change my mind?
If what you were contemplating were that simple, I would probably be in bed now and you would be walking along that parking lot. Tomorrow you would be fine again and I would be rested. That is not the case here. You and your family won't be fine tomorrow. The results will be long lasting. You need to get out very slowly and think and talk to others and try other things before you lock that door. Telling your wife you want it removed will probably lock the door quite nicely.
You did get some serious support too. I'm not at all sure I can agree that your wife is being totally unreasonable when she says she doesn't want to be married to a woman. I love my wife but... Let's put it this way. There are some basic things that are assumed to be understood when a husband commits to a wife and vice versa. If she now wants to wear pants and skivvies and such some of the time, fine. If, on the other hand she wants to have something real to put in a jock strap, I'm out of here. I love her, but that just wasn't part of the deal. That isn't being judgmental, it's just me making my decision.
Decisions is what it is all about. Just because you may decide to become anatomically correct for you doesn't mean that she has to decide to stay with you. It is then a totally new hand and the other players can put up their money or fold their hands. There was talk of other people and their expectations. You were told that you don't have to live your life up to or down to other's ideas of what and who you are or should be. I agree. If you don't care what they think, do your thing and what they think won't hurt you. But, your wife just might care what people think about her and that is her right. We carry heavy weights based on what we think of ourselves and what we want others to think of use. We often think it isn't fair that we carry this weight. Why would we want to lay that kind of load on our spouse or our kids?
One last idea I think you should consider and then I will wrap this thing up with some suggestions. I'm sure you've seen the cartoon where one character is being chased by another character. The one who is running races out of the house, into a car, speeds to an airport, flies over the ocean, jumps on a train, speeds into the mountains and into a cabin where he hammers all the doors and windows shut. What happens next? Right! The character that was chasing him comes strolling out of the kitchen. OK, why did we watch that cartoon? Simple. You can't run from yourself. A dream existence is wonderful. I love it when I have those dreams - and I do have them. BUT, the reality is that YOU will still be there even after the long run and locking all the doors. The character that came out of the kitchen was you. And you thought you had gotten rid of him. Wrong! He just looks different now but the real world will soon be at you again.
I guess I think the trick is to find an acceptable happiness where you are. If that means shaving and dressing, that is what it means. Finding some others like you and doing it with them might be the answer. Going out one night a week or even two nights a week to let off a little of what is bothering you would probably help. If that is just sitting with your TS friend and talking or dressing or anything else, it would buy you the time to let you make that most important decision which is going to effect the rest of your life and also going to effect your wife and your children. Once you are running at normal pressure and temperature, you can have another close look at what you want to do. Hell, it would take years and years anyway. The steam will be gone before you can ever get it done. Why not get the steam down before you stir up everything else in your life.
You asked for some opinions. I have honestly given you mine in hopes that some of it might help you. I did it because what you said touched me and I cared. I do wish you well.
Shirley Ann Sometimes
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