My Story - Chapter 10 - Straighten Up and Fly Right

It is dreadful to die of thirst in the sea. Do you have to salt your truth so much that it can no longer even - quench thirst? - Nietzsche

Straighten Up and Fly Right

Since my legal run-in in early 1993, my daughter was born (1994) and I began working in Manhattan again (no more home alone for Donna!) My hours have been long (up by 5:00am and home by 7:00pm or later), leaving little time for other diversions. In late 1996 we bought a new house I started with a new consulting firm. My hours have been better (home by 6:00pm) so I get to spend some more time with my daughter. None the less, suffice to say that I've been busy.

My relationship with my wife is, for the most part, back on track, although she still feels she can't trust me too much. I don't really blame her. I think she feels that my 'craziness' has subsided. She has trouble buying into the idea of uncontrollable urges. Since I haven't made much of a fuss about dressing, it's obvious that I can control this if I want. (I can control this? Yea, about as well as I can control the weather!) Not acting on my urges in no way is indicative of a lack of desire.

It has been three years, eight months (plus or minus a few days) since I last really dressed up. No dresses, skirts, blouses or heels since the big purge in 1993. Since that time, the desire to 'do myself up' has come and gone, sometimes stronger than others, but I've managed to keep the wolves at bay, so to speak. I don't know for how long I can keep it up.

My fem wardrobe (such as it is) consists, at the moment (fall 1997), of the following:

Everyday wear
- Jeans
  - Two black and one dark indigo: worn to work and casual outings
  - Two faded, flare leg style: clean and nice looking. 'Dress' jeans, so to speak. The Liz Claiborne ones are my favorite.
  - One button fly, one acid washed pegged, and one faded 'nothing special' pair, also clean and in good shape.
  - Five pair of well worn, faded, bum around and fix up the house jeans.
- Two cotton sweaters and one wool sweater.
- Three black ribbed tee shirts.
- Panties. Lots of panties.
- Socks. Ditto above.
- Assorted other lingerie
- Sneakers.
Almost Never Wear
- Silk Ellen Tracy blouse and pants
- Black Liz Claiborne jacket and pants
- Two black knit wool sweaters
- Six leotards and leggings

Pretty pathetic (there are closet CDers with a better wardrobe). My everyday wear is just that, and is not much (if at all) different from comparable drab wear. The beat up jeans are the ones I live in on the weekends and look like any other beat up jeans. Fact is, my drag is pretty drab. My current assignment allows me to wear the black and dark indigo jeans to work, which I do most of the time. I've got a couple of pairs of casual, sneaker style shoes I wear with them. Along with a sweater or casual men's button down shirt, and some funky socks, I'm ready for work.

Such is my CDing at the moment. Having resolved myself that it probably won't go much beyond this, at least not for a long while, I make the most of it. I don't own any men's underwear, jeans, socks or sneakers. Given that, I guess that I'm in drag every day. At least this is what I tell myself.

Sometime around September, I discovered the Alt.Fashion.Crossdressing and Alt.Support.Crossdressing newsgroups. After about a month of lurking, Donna decided to speak up. Some may wish she'd keep quiet a bit more, but hey, I've been waiting all my life to be able to talk about all of this with others like myself. Not long after, I opened the doors to Donna's Hideout (one of my web sites.) For the first time in about twenty years, I've been able to unload some of this baggage I've been hauling around. I feel good to not be so alone anymore.

TANSTAAFL again! Just when I thought I'd finally settled in to life, I read a few innocuous and well-intentioned posts. Pushing just the right buttons, my responses set me off on a reevaluation of the last twenty something years of my life. Thinking about things in a way that had yet to manifest itself, I find myself no longer at peace with who I am. This couldn't have happened at a worse time (is there a good time?) We are expecting our second child in March and life will be complicated enough without me rediscovering who I am. I feel that I've experienced a moment of lucidity unlike any other in the past, an epiphany of sorts. So much of my life's experiences all at once clicked into place. True to form, it is screwing me up royally.

It really sucks being me...

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