I've started re-reading Nietzsche's Twilight Of The Idols and The Anti-Christ. My new self-realization seems to allow me to understand Nietzsche's stuff better. I don't know if it's helping, but I continue none the less.
I feel myself slowly slipping into a deep funk. Haven't felt this way in years - I dont like it.
Well, it's finally out in the open.
My wife and I have been cranky since Sunday night. Not really talking, she sleeping on the couch; a generally bad scene. Tuesday night, at about 1:30 in the morning it came to a head. After some more bickering, I told her I was going to find a therapist. Just too much going on upstairs to sort out on my own. She asked "why, was it her" and I said that it wasn't her, but my 'problem'. She started in on the 'you want to be a woman' bit again. Told her that I don't really know what I want, but that I need to find out.
We were up the rest of the night. I finally went to sleep last night at 9:30. A very long 41 hours indeed.
My wife is relieved that what is bothering me is nothing new, but more of the same; I guess to her this is better than a new problem.
So now I get to shop for a therapist. No sense in waiting.
The only problem now (yea right, like it's down to just one) is that I don't feel as relieved as I should that this hurdle is past. Fact is, I feel even more depressed, kinda like I started something I can neither stop nor control.
I've made it this far, I guess I just have to hang on for the ride...
Love and stuff,
Donna (feeling a bit more herself these days)
He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. - Nietzsche
What a week! It's been a while since I've posted anything of any substance. It's been an emotional roller coaster ride for my wife and I since I dropped the bomb on her. After a lot of talking, I feel that we have reached a new point in our relationship together.
We used to be very close with each other, but, as many couples do, we drifted apart. My legal run-in four years ago was a large part of the reason for that. I haven't felt that I could talk with her about my feelings vis-a-vis crossdressing and the like. But, with my mini breakdown the other week, the issue was forced and for the first time in a long time, I feel much closer to her.
We discussed much, especially this weekend. Last night, I pointed her to my site and let her read it; all of it. While she said that it didn't tell her much that she didn't already know, the chronology of it did put some better perspective on things. She laughed at some things (this is good, as some of the events in my life were amusing) and commented that it was quite well written. When she got to my Dec 7th post, she was impressed by the replies and advice I got, Laura's in particular. She said that there seem to be some very intelligent people in the NG (this knew, but it means a lot to me coming from her) and their advice is quite sound.
Don't get me wrong, I am, by no means, all better. I've finally got the name of a gender therapist in Manhattan I'm calling today. Suffice to say that I am back to more of my old self; I'm just not going to stew anymore.
It all comes down to communication. My wife has figured out, and quite rightly I feel, that my problem is not clothes, is interaction. I am a very social person and I value those with whom I forge relationships. Outside of my wife and a few friends, I've had little social interaction. My two year dressing stint was more about going out and interacting with people in public than it was about dressing up. Most of the time, I didn't try to pass, I'd just be a guy in heels, jeans and a blouse chatting with the friends I'd made in some of the stores I'd frequent. Being home alone was just that, alone.
Today is the first morning in a week or so that I haven't woken up in tears. My wife has a better understanding of what has been going on for the past few months and especially the last few weeks. Donna is no longer a secret, and her hideout on longer a clandestine project. I can now do my NG and email interaction at home instead of at work all the time. As long as it isn't to the exclusion of her, my wife has no problem with my involvement here.
As for my 'problem', I think I'm going to, with some professional guidance, try some involvement in the more social aspects of the T* community (you may get to see a picture of me yet.) I've already asked her about next Halloween. She said "Go ahead, be the mommy and take your daughter around, I'll stay home and hand out candy!"
I think I'm going to be OK. I also think that I'll postpone any radical medical procedures. I love my wife and family too much. I need to find a balance in my life where both Donna and him (he's got to get a name someday; not now, but someday) can be free to be themselves.
It was really frightening a couple of weeks ago and you all helped keep me on track. Had this happened next week while I was on vacation and not been able to talk, I don't know where I'd be now; either curled up in a corner, or in a box in the ground. You really helped me and I think you gals are the best. Thanks!
Enough rambling. I back amongst the living, and it looks like I here to stay. Watch out!
Love and stuff to all,
Donna (new and improved)
Usenet post - Subject: Re: Caught!
In article <email@example.com>, firstname.lastname@example.org says...
Sweety, you are JUST the one I wanted to draw out.. You've fallen into the trap and are now fair game.. ;-) <
Why Nietzsche? Try Norman Vincent Peale or someone with a positive outlook.
Ok, so I'm out here... With my knickers blowin' in the wind...
Why Nietzsche? To start with, he is quite positive. The main thrust of his work is the affirmation of life and the condemnation of that which saps the joy of life from us. The quote is, in fact, saying that anything of any value doesn't come easily.
We live in a society governed by an arbitrary morality, established almost two milennia ago by an group of elitests for the purpose of the subdijation of the masses. This elite group presented a moral code, handed down from a supposedly 'divine' being, as the universal morality for Mankind. In reality, it was (and still is) a power trip. That any one individual or group there of should profess to know absolutely that which is right and wrong is pure folly.
As a result, we are taught to feel guilt and shame about almost everything which is natural and instinctive to us. We have become the antithisis of ourselves. If it feels good and we like it, it must be, by definition bad and sinful. The feelings which affirm our existance are something to be overcome in the hopes of someday attaining a place in the 'better and perfect' afterlife.
The quest for knowledge often runs a course counter to that of the accepted 'morality' of society. Morality says that one should not question such and such, while the drive for knowledge pushes onward. The popular morality whoul have us simply accept ourselves unquestioningly. If we don't fit into the box alotted to us, we should deny our difference and submit. Refusal to do so generates guilt and shame. Shame that we are different and unique amongst the common rabble of society.
Discovery, understanding and acceptance of ourselves can not happen without a profound amount of guilt and shame surfacing along the way. But the feeling of strength and power which come with the understanding and acceptance of who we are is that much greater as a result of overcomming the shame and guilt.
I suspect you and I have been brought up with an abiding fear of disapproval. We are conciliatory by nature and want EVERYONE to like us. The smallest sign of disapproval sends us scurrying for shelter.
Fear of disapproval, Yes. Scurrying for shelter, I usually just don't come out. We all want approval. Even those who say they don't care, usually use defiance as a shield. If offered the approval, they would gladly accept it.
We have definitely been brought up to fear disapproval. Disapproval leads to feelings of guilt, and guilt is how society keeps us in line. Guilt is a powerful emotion, caused when we weigh a thought or action against an internal set of values. We feel guilt when we feel we have violated one of our internal values; a kind of disgust at ourselves for falling short of some ideal value. (See my site soon for a more in depth discussion of this.)
Enough. I'm mentally exhausted by this week already. I'm going to help finish the gifts for my daughter and try to have a merry christmas.
Until next time...
Love and stuff,
Usenet post - Subject: Re: Caught!
Well well, me droogs lets see...
First, I went looking for shoes, with no luck. Will have to give it another go perhaps on Wednsday.
Then off to the woman's shop at Bloomingdale's, being the big girl that I am and had some luck. Found a forest green velvet short sleeve mock turtleneck shirt (and just how many adjitives does it take to describe a shirt?), a sweater in red and black stripe chinelle (sp?) which, as I type, I am wearing, and a lovely long sleeve black velvet dress which I think is quite cute.
All in all, Not too bad. I really wanted to get a skirt, buy couldn't find anything I liked. It's been a long time since I've bought anything really feminine (other that lingerie) and I'm out of practice. Besides, I still don't have an opportunity to really do anything with what I'd buy anyway.
None the less, I did have some fun shopping. Of course, my wife wanted to see my purchases, so I got to model them for her. I felt *really* self conscious about it, but did it anyway. It's not like she has never seen me in a dress before, but in light of recent events, it felt kind of wierd. I'll get over it. Baby steps...
So, not the most exciting of shopping excursions, but it felt good. I'm going to look into Tri-Ess as a possible venue in which to interact. Read their site and got an overall good feeling. I also asked Laura's opinion and got a thumbs up from her. We'll see what happens.
I am much more stable that a few weeks ago, but I still need to get some counseling. The past few days have been quite good, but I've still got a lot pent up and bouncing around in me gulliver.
Well, its cold, stormy (yet another noreaster visits us) and late; think I'll go to bed early (anything before midnight is early for me!)
Love and stuff,
Donna (moving slightly closer to a sense of balance)
And that, me droogs, brings December 1997 to a close...
On to January 1998